Pet Rock Star: The Bright Side

April 26, 2004

The Bright Side

So I wrote this whole post about how shitty things have been, and deleted it. Because why things are shitty hasn't been important, just maybe that they have been and that's why I've been away.

Bad things are just such a black hole. But like... a black hole that sucks you in and then spits you out, only to suck you in again, over and over again. The Sisyphus of black holes. Anyone who's ever been through a Rough Time knows exactly what I mean. Things are really great. And then something sucks. And then you overcome the suck because things have been so great. And then something sucks again, and you have to fight really hard to overcome this suck because you're still recovering from the last suck you overcame. But you do it. And then the suck just keeps on coming, until you realize you haven't touched your guitar in two months, called your best friend back in a month, showered in four days, looked up from whatever video game it is that sucks your life away because you can't deal with reality in hours and hours, or been outside of the house (except maybe to check the mailbox which is stuffed full of bills you can't pay!) in weeks.

And usually you can make it through that if you have a bright side, a light at the end of the tunnel, some sort of promise that everything will be okay. But when that promise gets broken, and you tuck your greasy hair behind your ears and look at something besides the floor for the first time in days, you realize it's progressed beyond a Rough Time to a Time to Make Decisions. And things like that, capitalized things, are never good, and never easy.

So I pretty much just rewrote that whole post and still wound up saying things were shitty, but I guess I needed to do that. And to let people know that even if I didn't answer your emails, if only because I only check my email about once every two weeks now and there's 15,000 emails in my inbox (I might actually have the single largest collection of pristine spam on the planet at this point) that I read your emails and they were a part of my bright side, as stupid as that may sound, and it means a lot to me that people I don't even really know worry about me when I'm not around.

Anyways, I'm moving to North Carolina next weekend, for a job. I'll be going by myself, at least for now, because we can't figure out a way for D. to come with me and keep us out of financial ruin here in South Carolina. I'll be staying with my folks, who are amazing and wonderful and make me want to be a good parent someday so someone will love me with the kind of awe I reserve only for loving my parents.

It will be hard, to be separated from D., because he is what keeps me balanced and breathing these days, and I'm not sure how I will be away from him. Any man that can cup my face in hands, especially when I smell bad because I'm too depressed to shower, look me in the eyes and tell me that all of these bad things have to get better because we are stubborn enough, and stupid enough, and love each other enough to outlast them — well, any man like that is hard to leave behind, even if it's to make things better for us in the long run.

And I'm going to try and post more often, because it's good for me. And I promise not to be so whiny or negative or cryptic or whatever, because I know how annoying that is, but if you want to read the old me, like I used to be, then you're gonna have to read all the stuff that leads up to that, while I work myself back up into... myself. Deal?

TrackBack

Deal. ::resumes breathing:: I think Phil and I were just about to spearhead a search party mission to SC. I'm only half-kidding.

Good luck in NC and dealing with the Capitalized Things.

Posted by: scottandrew at April 26, 2004 11:36 AM

Can you be a little more specific than "North Carolina"?

Posted by: Sam Ruby at April 26, 2004 04:00 PM

Hmm. How about "Fayetteville?"

Posted by: Shannon at April 26, 2004 04:52 PM

Glad to hear you're back, and you still need to be sure to read my email titled "MP3.com." It should cheer you up a bit at least. Good luck in Fayetteville. Keep in touch yo!

Posted by: branmuffin at April 27, 2004 02:01 PM

Good luck in Fayetteville. When I was there it was... interesting.

Posted by: Brian McCallister at April 27, 2004 05:21 PM

fuckyshittydamn.

There is a bright side to this--I see strip clubs in your future. Breakfast, anyone?

Posted by: Anne at April 28, 2004 09:43 PM

nice to see you again :) get in touch after you arrive (please) it would be kind of nice to sing a song or two ....

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning."
~ Ivy Baker Priest ~

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Welcome back, Sunshine. Good to see ya alive and bloggin.

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