What do you do when your roommate comes home with a half-gallon of 100 proof vodka, fifths of Jagermeister, Jim Beam and Kaluha, a case of beer and about ten people?
You party like a rock star, baby.
I will ignore the bad (because there's always a little bad when that much alcohol is involved, and it usually involves me embarrassing myself in some humiliating fashion) and concentrate instead on the good. The very good.
The first order of business was collecting wood for a bonfire. From a pile. Under the shed. In the dark.
Roomie says, "It's okay, I have a flashlight."
Big John* says, "And are you going to beat the snake with it when it comes slithering out from underneath that pile, or try to blind it by shining the beam directly in its eyes?"
Eventually, wood was collected. And Das Cook* decides to start the fire with gasoline. A lot of it. It's a neat party trick.
First, no fire.
A split second later, blazing inferno.
Interlude: Big John and myself experiment with shots containing various levels of vodka and Jager in the kitchen.
Meanwhile: People are outside getting Fucked Up.
Together again, I tell Das Cook the fire needs more wood. It's thirty degrees outside and I can't feel my face.
Das Cook says, "You're just like my bitch."
I say, "If I were your bitch, I'd be slapping you in front of all these people."
Big John says, "Relationships are like tractor pulls. The harder you pull, the more resistance there is."
I say, "But remember. Sex is like pizza; even when it's bad, it's still pretty good."
Roomie says, "Not for bitches."
Interlude: The Clown* is somehow stung by a bee. In thirty degree weather.
He is ridiculed, and his manhood is challenged. He retaliates by doing clown-like, but assuredly manly, things.
He removes three torches from a white satin bag, sets them aflame, and begins putting them in his mouth.
I think, "Holy fuck. There is a man eating fire at a party at my house."
He continues to amaze us with his Promethean abilities for awhile. He juggles the torches. He tells good jokes. He fills his mouth full of lighter fluid and blows insanely large fireballs across the lawn.
For now, at least, the coolest person at the party is The Clown.
The subject of music is raised. The Clown tells more good jokes while bending from the waist a lot whilst I tune. He gives me The Nod.
I play various Songs With the Word Fuck In Them for quite sometime, until I realize I can no longer feel my fingers. The subject of wood is again upon us.
Big John and Das Cook forage for wood, and come back with what I still believe are two columns from our front porch. (Note to self: check.) We burn them anyway, because it's fucking cold.
Interlude: I am handed a White Russian, spiked with Jagermeister, "For flavor," according to Big John. I am so wasted, I don't care.
Meanwhile: People are still getting Fucked Up. And continue to do so for quite some time.
Conclusion: Beer: gone. Jagermeister: empty. Kaluha: empty. Jim Beam: seriously dented. Vodka: mangled beyond belief. Hangovers currently residing in various rooms of the homestead: 5.
And I'm not sure who the person cocooned in blankets on our couch is, but at least they don't snore.
*Names were changed to protect the innocent, judgement-impaired and/or plain fucking stupid.
It amazes me that it still amuses you to pull these tricks. I guess it's more fun being that easily entertained though, isn't it?
Go watch some paint dry.
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It amazes me that Shannon continues to fall for that "Jager Spike" every time. And then tries to pull the "oh my goodness" routine after getting hammered. :)
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